A first visit to a swingers club - like any new experience can be daunting. Typical feelings include excitement, a fear of the unknown and worries about sexual adequacy or appearance.

These feelings are completely normal, we all experience them to some degree and even experienced swingers may experience these feelings when visitng a new club. The good news is: the swingers community is very friendly, forgiving and open.

The first step you’ll need to take is deciding on the type of club you would like to visit. There are may different “specialty” clubs, but in the mainstream swinging community, the clubs fall into two categories:

* On Premise Clubs
* Off Premises Clubs

The difference between the two is that an on-premises club provides areas specifically set aside for sexual play, while an off-premises club does not.

Locating A Club

There many methods available to finding the specific club you would like to visit. The best method is a recommendation from friends, but if you are like us, you don’t know any swingers, and that is one reason you would like to visit a club!

If so, the simplest way to locate a club in your area is probably via the internet, in fact, The Swinger Source (http://www.theswingersource.com)has a state-by-state listing available. Another method is to purchase a “lifestyle-oriented” magazine such as Lifestyle Magazine, they typically provide a list of clubs as well.

Once you have decided on a club, visit their website if they have one, and take a look around, most sites at a minimum list their hours, special events and contact information.

Make use of the contact information provided. Contact the club management to verify the hours, events, membership and door fees, etc.

The Big Moment

What should you wear?

The answer to this depends on several factors. In general, wear what you would wear on a first date to a night club. No excessively baggy or torn jeans, no tee-shirts, leave your baseball cap at home. Ladies, this is your chance to break out that super-sexy little black dress and sexy new shoes you’ve been wanting to wear!

If the club is having a special event that night, consider taking part! Most special events involve a theme ranging from toga parties, to wet tee-shirt contests, to hot schoolgirl night. These are great ice-brakers and I truly encourage you to take part.

Many people bring a change of “play clothes” that they change into when the mood hits.

What should we bring?

Most clubs are BYOB, so be sure to bring your favorite beverage. In general your hosts will provide you with finger foods, sodas and snacks.

You should definitely bring an “essentials kit” with you, if you need some ideas for what to include in this kit, please read through our article on creating the perfect essentials kit.

Most clubs provide lockers for your personal belongings, and I recommend that you bring your own combination padlock although some clubs will loan or rent you one.

What should we say?

Remember, the people you meet at this club will likely surprise you by how open and friendly they are. so say “Hello!”.

People have many approaches to starting a conversation in a club, my personal method is to shake hands and introduce myself and my wife. I’ve had people walk up to me and say everything from “Hi, what are you looking for?’ to “Do you have a tatoo?” (during a scavenger hunt event).

What you say isn’t nearly as important as how you say it, and your body language when you say it!

Smile! If you want someone to approach you, look friendly and like you are having fun.

What should we do?

The short answer to this is: whatever you and your partner are comfortable with.

Chances are, on your first visit to a club, you will feel somewhat intimidated. When my wife and I visited the first time, we spent most of our time asking questions about etiquette, rules, and who was who. If you decide to play, be sure you stay within your rules, and have fun!

Typically when you visit a club for the first time, the club management will have either a staff member or a trusted club member show you around. This is a great opportunity to find out about the rules of that particular club, what the etiquette of the rooms is, who you should get in touch with regarding any questions or concerns you may have and where to go.

Conclusion

Visiting a swingers club is a wonderful way to spice up a relationship - even if you only play with your partner.

Approach it with a non-judgemental attitude and no expectations and you wil have a great time.

If you make the effort to be presentable, open, friendly and happy, you will make great, lifelong friends, and that makes the visit worthwhile in itself.

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Every advice column I’ve seen on beginning swinging includes the phrase “set rules and live by them”. Unfortunately, the authors of those columns rarely go into any detail about how to do so.

This article is not meant to be the definitive source on rules for swinging, but rather a starting point for you to begin talking about your comfort level with your significant other.

The first thing you need to remember is that the person you share your life with, is the important person in swinging. Their comfort level, passion and self-esteem should always be your first concern.

That said, when discussing rules, you will need to remember that no matter how outlandish, silly, bizarre, or just plain crazy the rules your partner comes up with may seem to you - they need to be respected, because that rule is clearly important to your partner.

I’d also like to express my opinion that a discussion about rules should not be approached as a bargaining session, nor as a negotiation, but rather as an open discussion about turn-ons and turn-offs, intimacy and feelings.

Now that the preliminaries are out of the way, here are a couple of tips for the discussion:

Be respectful!

 

Really listen, too often when our partner is speaking, we begin thinking about our response before they are finished, and in this type of discussion, it is imperative that we listen actively and openly.

Be honest! This is no time to hide your true feelings.

To start with, many couples experience a scenario where one partner is more adventurous than the other - this is normal, and must be embraced.

Actually Setting Rules

Someone has to take the lead here, let it be you. The first thing you have to decide is “What am I comfortable with?” Questions you may want to ask your self are:

Am I actually comfortable with my partner receiving sexual pleasure from another person?

 

What if that person is of the same sex as my partner?

Am I really comfortable seeing my partner give sexual pleasure to another person?

What if that person is the same sex as my partner?

Am I comfortable seeing my partner perform truly intimate acts with another person? (In this instance “truly intimate” is something you will need to define, for some “truly intimate” means kissing, for others it means sensual massage, for others it has completely different meanings, whatever your definition is, are you prepared for it?).

Am I interested in actual sexual intercourse with a person other than my partner?

Am I interested in fantasy or role-playing with someone other than my partner?

How do I feel about my partner having sexual relations with another person without my presence?

How do I feel about our potential partners being a part of our lives? Am I interested in sex with strangers or am I looking for intimate friendships that expand beyond simple sexual pleasure.

Will I practice and expect my partners to practice safe sex?

How do I define safe sex? Do I expect condom or dam usage in every situation?

How will my partner and I meet potential partners?

If we choose to meet people online what will our rules be for that? Will it bother me that my partner is placing or responding to ads without my being present? Do I have any issues with my partner chatting with potential partners without me?

What am I looking for? Another couple? Single males? Single females? Roman orgy scenes?

Naturally, the questions above are not meant to be all-inclusive, but rather a starting point for you to begin thinking about your own needs, desires and comfort levels.

Tips
Define signals with your partner, these signals need to cover situations like: Get me out of here!, We neet to talk, I’m uncomfortable, I’m interested, etc.

When setting rules it is important to be specific. For example, it may not be sufficient to say “we are comfortable with full sexual intercourse” and happily go off to meet your play partners. Questions to ask surrounding that rule may include:

How do we signal that we are uncomfortable in a situation? Don’t forget there will be times when you will need a non-verbal signal, and times when the verbal signal you have defined earlier may be out of place - as an example, my wife and I defined a signal as “I need a smoke break”, whenever one of us said that it meant, “we need to talk”. Which was fine until we went to a swingers club and were sitting there happily smoking, and realized that we couldn’t say “I need a smoke break” without seeming either crazy or sneaky.

 

How do we define when we are “done”. My wife and I struggled with this for some time, we would be playing with another couple, and one or the other of us would essentially be “finished” and ready to go, while the other was interested in continuing to play. Don’t assume anything. On one occassion, this little issue nearly made us give up the lifestyle, she was done, and I wasn’t and as I continued to play, she felt left out and inadequate.

Are we only going to play in the same bed? In the same room? Or are we okay with separating and playing with someone else?

If we decide that we only play together, same room, same bed, etc. What happens if one of us needs to go to the bathroom? Should the other stop playing and wait? Continue to play? Accompany the other?

Will we “take one for the team”? In other words, what if we meet another couple and my partner is completely turned on by the couple we meet, and I’m not. Do we still play? If not, how will I communicate to my partner that I’m not interested?

Discuss everything

After each experience talk about everything that happened, were you excited? Challenged? Happy? Was it a pleasurable experience? Were there any “awkward” moments? Be sure to openly discuss whether you are interested in playing again with whoever you played with.

Be prepared for change
Typically, as you gain experience, your rules will evolve. When we initially began swinging, one of my rules was that I didn’t want my wife to swallow for another man - this seemed like an extremely intimate act to me, and while I was comfortable with recreational sex, I was uncomfortable with perceived “intimacy” between my wife and another man.

After a few experiences, while discussing the events of the previous night, my wife pointed out to me that it was stressful to her, and to the man she was blowing to worry about exactly what I meant - was it okay for him to cum in her mouth, as long as she didn’t swallow? What about pre-cum?

Her approach was excellent, and in the proper context, and after thinking about it for awhile, I decided that since we had a trusting relationship with this other couple - trusting to the point that we had forgone condoms with them - I was comfortable with her swallowing him.

More Change

Our rules evolve differently with different partners as well. Naturally, we play with people we trust and like, nevertheless, with some partners we have more “stringent ” rules. Likewise, we have to be respectful of our play partner’s rules as well, and their rules may change and evolve over time.

It is critical to accept that rules will change, and that each of you may have different ideas about how and when this will occur. Open and honest communication is the only hope for starting and continuing an enjoyable “swingers lifestyle”.

Stick with your rules. The time to change rules is not on-the-spot, and it is not acceptable to “forget” a rule. It is also unacceptable to put your partner on the spot and demand a decision on a rule change in the heat of the moment.

If you are interested in changing or abolishing a rule, the time to discuss it is afterwards. Again, I remind you, rules are not about negotiation or argument, they are about comfort and enjoyment, so be respectful of your partner, and their feelings.

Also, be aware that your play partners have their own rules, and if you run into one that seems odd to you - remember it makes sense to them. Do not try to convince them that they should change their rule to suit you.

In Conclusion

Setting rules is clearly critical to enjoyment of the lifestyle, and unfortunately it can become a point of conflict if not handled with respect, caring and love for your partner. However, with some open communication, and thought an effective set of rules can lead to enjoyable experiences for all.

Next Time

My next article will illustrate a step-by-step method
for defining comfort levels prior to swinging with a new couple.

I hope this article has been informative and helpful, and I welcome feedback and comments.

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My last article on setting rules went beyond the standard “set rules” admonition and actually delved into some of the thought processes required to set effective rules, and how to get started.

This article is specifically designed for couples who are new to the lifestyle (although veterans may find some interesting ideas too.)

Before we get started, I strongly suggest that you read through part 1 of this series to familiarize yourself with some of the pitfalls, techniques and self-examination required to set rules.

This article assumes that a) you are a couple, b) you are both straight - however with very little imagination or work it can be modified for bi, gay or lesbian couples.

Allow me to set the stage for you:

As a couple you have already worked your way through the first article in this series, and you have a reached a general set of rules that you both feel comfortable with.

Now you are at the point where you have decided to meet another swinging couple, maybe tonight, it will finally happen!

Here is a simple checklist that I want you to go through. Find someplace private to talk, where the children can’t overhear, and you won’t be disturbed.

Again, and as always, when going through this checklist keep in mind that your significant other’s self-esteem, comfort and pleasure need to remain uppermost in your mind.

The way this checklist works is that one of you goes through the list reading off the options, and making notes as the two of you discuss each item.

For him:

Yes No Giving oral sex to other woman

Yes No To Orgasm?

Yes No Safe Sex?

Yes No Receiving oral sex from other woman

Yes No To Orgasm?

Yes No Safe Sex?

Yes No Giving Sensual Massage to other woman

Yes No Receiving Sensual Massage to other woman

Yes No Kissing other woman

Yes No Intercourse with other woman

Yes No Safe Sex?

Yes No Public or private flirtation/Sexy talk with other woman

Yes No Anal sex with other woman

Yes No To Orgasm?

Yes No Safe Sex?

For Her:

Yes No Giving oral sex to other man

Yes No To Orgasm?

Yes No Safe Sex?

Yes No Receiving oral sex from other man

Yes No To Orgasm?

Yes No Safe Sex?

Yes No Giving Sensual Massage to other man

Yes No Receiving Sensual Massage to other man

Yes No Kissing other man

Yes No Intercourse with other man

Yes No Safe Sex?

Yes No Public or private flirtation/Sexy talk with other man

Yes No Anal sex with other man

Yes No To Orgasm?

Yes No Safe Sex?

For Both

Yes No Same Room?

Yes No Same Bed?

Yes No Voyeurism?

Naturally, this is a starting point for discussion. Feel free to add or remove items from this list to suit your interests and needs. As an example, if you are interested in photography, you may want to add questions about taking pictures and videos.

My next article will cover the “debriefing” after you meet your playmates.

Good luck and have fun!

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My last article on setting rules provided a simple checklist to go through prior to actually meeting another couple.

Part one of this series gave instruction on setting ground rules, and how to keep those rules applicable.

This section involves a “debriefing” session after an encounter. This encounter may be with a single, a couple or a group.

In any event it is a critical step in the rule setting and management process.

Without a debriefing, we may not fully understand our partner’s comfort level, enjoyment, wants and needs. Further, we cannot ensure that our rules are effective, yet not too limiting for full enjoyment of the lifestyle.

As always, in this phase it is important to remember that our partner’s comfort, confidence and self-esteem remain uppermost in our minds.

The Basics

In this article I assume that you are a couple, and that you have had an encounter with another couple. The steps outlined are equally applicable to meeting with a single male, single female or group.

The Debriefing

The first question - naturally enough is: Did we enjoy ourselves?
After a play session with another couple, or person, my wife and I are always interested in whether the other enjoyed themselves. Did you cum? Is a simple question, and maybe a critical one depending on what you are interested in, but there is actually more to this portion of the discussion.

Some questions you may want to ask to start the conversation include:

1. Were you uncomfortable at all?

2. Were there any times when our code words seemed like they would not work? For example, one of our code phrases is “I need a cigarette” this is a signal that we are uncomfortable or that we want to have a discussion, and one of our rules is that when one of us uses that phrase - <b>no matter what</b> the other one is doing, we stop and go have a cigarette break and discuss.

You can probably see how this may not work in all situations - we may be sitting at a table having a discussion and happily smoking a cigarette - naturally it would seem VERY odd to use that phrase in that situation. This discovery after an encounter led us to develop some specific phrases, word, and non-verbal signals that we use.

3. What was your favorite part of the evening?

4. Were there any behaviors that we need to break down. Example: One of our initial rules was “no kissing”. Well did this apply to pecks on the cheek for greeting someone? Did it really mean no passionate kissing on the dancefloor? Did it really mean to kissing on the neck? What exactly DID that rule mean and did it apply equally to all people? Those are the sorts of discussions that should come out of this “debriefing” session.

5. Was our setting appropriate? In other words - did we like where we played, whether in a hotel, at a club, at a house party, whatever - was it conducive to our enjoyment and safety.

6. Would we like to interact with them as “vanilla” friends? In other words, are they the type of people that we would like to interact with aside from sexual behaviors. Would we like to go to a movie, a strip club, a bar-b-que with them? Or is it strictly a sexual relationship?

7. Did any of our rules need revising? This question actually has a couple of parts:

a. Did our rules work?
b. How do we need to revise them?
c. Were there any that seemed odd or useless in actual application?

8. The most fundamental question is: Do we want to play with them
again?

As you can see this conversation tends to be wide-ranging and all-inclusive. The suggestions in this article are intended to give you some ideas about specific questions that definitely need to be included in your very first debriefing session.

As you gain experience, you will certainly develop your own, and I would love to hear your suggestions as comments on this article.

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